Feature Film?

Hmm...what's the best way to start my blog?

I know, I'll rant! So...

If I hear one more person arrogantly inform me that they're shooting a 'Feature Film' and then tell me they're shooting on 'Digital' or 'HD' I'm gonna barf...on whoever's nattering at me about their 'Feature'.

Ahem...begging your pardon mister wannabe fuckstick...a 'Feature Film' is not a conceptual term.

It's a definable term.

Allow me to define it for you...The 'Feature' part refers to being 'featured' in a MOVIE THEATER as the MARQUIS ATTRACTION. You know...to separate it from the newsreel footage and cartoons and little short subject shit that they used to show before the 'Feature' ran back in the day. It also served to further separate it from the crap B and C movies of the time, but hey, if you have a crap B or C movie playing at the local mega-plex, I'll grant ya' that one.

The 'Film' part refers to being on FILM, which despite the seemingly ubiquitous 'digital revolution' (if you're thinking of quoting some silly shit off some silly DV forum somewhere) 99.9% of 'Feature Films' in the WORLD are projected from FILM. Now, if you have a digitally acquired piece of shit B or C movie that has been blown up to film and is being distributed and shown in theaters nationwide (hell, even in limited release) I'll give ya' the 'Feature Film' title.

Otherwise, shut the fuck up. Pretty please. With sugar on top.

If you don't meet the aforementioned requirements, you have a 'FEATURE LENGTH VIDEO'.

Period.

Accept it. Deal with it.

And then shut the fuck up.

I don't care if you graduated from USC or UCLA or NYU's Tisch School, hell I don't even care if you graduated from high school. I don't care if you read 'Rebel without a Crew' six thousand times and masturbate to it daily. I don't care if 'EVERYONE' says it's a feature.

It ain't.

'EVERYONE' is wrong.

Here's a task for those of you who wish to argue the point...Do this first and I'll listen to you:

1-Write something interesting, or get the rights to something interesting.
2-Cast it.
3-Location scout it.
4-Budget it.
5-Acquire funding for it.
6-Get the proper permits for your shooting activity.
7-Get insurance.
8-Get the necessary Union (SAG, IATSE, DGA...whichever you NEED) contracts in place.
9-Storyboard the picture.
10-Put your shot list together.
11-Do your final budget.
12-Staff it.
13-Rehearse it.
14-Shoot it. And by shooting it, I mean with proper coverage, protection and no continuity or screen direction violations, proper lighting and all that fun stuff.
15-Edit it.
16-Put your re-shoot and/or pick up shot list together.
17-Schedule your re-shoots and pick ups.
18-Get the proper permits for your shooting activity.
19-Get insurance.
20-Shoot your re-shoots and pick ups.
21-Add your necessary special effects.
22-Do your final color grading.
23-Title the picture.
24-Create or acquire rights to your music stems.
25-Create your foley and ADR list.
26-Create your foley and ADR.
27-Assemble your soundtrack.
28-Marry it to the picture element.
29-Create your textless backgrounds.
30-Transfer it to a projectable and/or distributable format (Film or D5 or better).
31-Assemble your electronic press kit.
32-Send me a copy of your epk.
33-Have a premiere in a paying theater.
34-Invite me to it.
35-Buy me some popcorn.

Then we can talk....Maybe.

You want to cement the deal, go back to step 4 and insert 'acquire distribution'.

The whole process should take from six months to three or four years depending on how good you are at fund raising. Ez pz, lemon squeezy. Otherwise, you're a wanker that I want to barf on. Get it? Probably not...Still here wanker? Don't you have a wedding or a birthday party to 'tape'? That'll be a nice use for your $5000.00 super wang doodle HDV piece of junk camera. Ooh, maybe you can even cut it in Final Cut Pro. Hey, make it 90 minutes long and you can run around telling drunk chicks in the bar that you just finished another 'feature'.

Maybe you'll get a blowjob out of it.